SEINFELD SCRIPT by Daniel Khamsing (kboy@cryogen.com)

76th episode

Season 5, number 12

Original broadcasting date: January 6, 1994

Written by Larry Charles

Directed by Tom Cherones

regular cast:

Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine)

Michael Richards (Kramer)

Jason Alexander(George)

guest starring:

Jami Gertz (Jane)

Dan Cortese (Tony)

(the bathroom)

ELAINE

what a dope!

uh..excuse me

umm.. I'm sorry

this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here

JANE

(from the stall on Elaine's right)

are you talking to me?

ELAINE

yeah.. I

I just forgot to check

so if you could just spare me some

JANE

no I'm sorry

ELAINE

what?

JANE

no I'm sorry, I can't spare it

ELAINE

you can't spare it??

JANE

no there's not enough to spare

ELAINE

well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it

JANE

I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind

ELAINE

3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??

JANE

no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

ELAINE

oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one

puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply

JANE

look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)

Elaine

no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you

(the movie theater)

JERRY

(eating pop corn)

hmm I love this artificial flavoring

I like it better than butter

I think it's more consistent

JANE

you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JERRY

what?

(offering pop corn to Jane)

(elsewhere in the same theater)

ELAINE

hey

TONY

hey

hey? where is my popcorn babe?

ELAINE

what?

TONY

my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn

what? would you forget about me babe?

ELAINE

you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JANE

I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I

simply could not spare it

this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me

ELAINE

3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!

JANE

she wouldn't stop

"help me! help me!"

she was *insane*

ELAINE

I was begging her

"please! please!"

she was *insane*

JERRY

who do you think she is? how dare she?

you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies

walking around with flashlights anymore

we'd flush her out

JANE

I don't know what she looks like

JERRY

I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her

she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony

ELAINE

hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new

girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like

TONY

hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?

(Jerry's apt.)

(Jerry's at his computer)

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER

hey

JERRY

hey

KRAMER

hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?

JERRY

what's the matter with yours?

KRAMER

huh.. my batteries are dead

JERRY

hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

KRAMER

look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?

JERRY

why do you do that?

KRAMER

oh... (get in the bedroom)

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE

I am never going back to the movies again

JERRY

hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you

ELAINE

I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side

JERRY

oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony

ELAINE

yeah

JERRY

hey hey (fooling around with his collar)

ELAINE

yeah, all right ok

JERRY

Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)

ELAINE

that's nice. Listen, listen to this

I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts

JERRY

huh huh

ELAINE

I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper

JERRY

no what?

ELAINE

toilet paper

JERRY

oh.. whoa..

ELAINE

so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho

JERRY

well maybe she couldn't spare it

ELAINE

a square?

JERRY

well, you know, sometimes a square is everything

ELAINE

a ply?

JERRY

Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like

asking for someone's canteen in the desert

ELAINE

yeah

JERRY

it's battle conditions

ELAINE

yeah, well

I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty

voice, it is *tattooed* in my brain

if I hear it, watch out

So listen what happened with Jane last night?

JERRY

oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..

ELAINE

the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun

JERRY

yeah that should be real fun

ELAINE

you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?

JERRY

yeah

(Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)

WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE

then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?

ELAINE

Andre?

(Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)

KRAMER (on the phone)

what about the driver? we could get an accident

WOMAN

so what?

KRAMER

oh that wouldn't be very good

JERRY

(on the phone)

hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!

ELAINE

what is going on? what.. who is Andre?

JERRY

Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out

of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone

KRAMER

Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman

Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the

voice she uses..

JERRY

hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me

KRAMER

hey, you're hungry? Monk's?

JERRY

no I gotta go downtown

ELAINE

oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?

JERRY

yeah

ELAINE

so listen, what happened last night with Jane?

JERRY

nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube

(Jerry's car)

ELAINE

you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer

JERRY

I know, I just can't bring myself to do it

meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)

(Elaine looks at her watch)

oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting

ELAINE

hey you got a problem with Tony?

JERRY

hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)

ELAINE

ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like

JERRY

of course you would

ELAINE

oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk

JERRY

Elaine

ELAINE

what?

JERRY

it's different for a man

ELAINE

huh?

JERRY

we're expected to be superficial

ELAINE

I'm not being superficial

JERRY

Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo

ELAINE

he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man

he just happened to have a perfect face

JERRY

and that's why you're going out with him

ELAINE

no it is not

JERRY

you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him

ELAINE

I think he does too

JERRY

I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a

school girl around him

(Monk's)

TONY

so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"

(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)

GEORGE

"step off"?

TONY

yeah

GEORGE

you said "step off"?

wow, that is too much

hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)

Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?

TONY

no

GEORGE

bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time

TONY

bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling

GEORGE

rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush,

you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions

TONY

no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing

GEORGE

all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some

sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?

TONY

what.. whatever

GEORGE

alright alright, I gotta buy some bread

TONY

yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing

GEORGE

me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down

TONY

cool, so what do you say we climb a rock maņana?

GEORGE

huh.. maņana? huh maņana might.. huh maņana might be a problem, I'm supposed

to have huh a boil lanced maņana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I

cancel with only one maņana's notice (Kramer enters)

TONY

hey Kramer

KRAMER

hey

TONY

hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing maņana?

KRAMER

maņana I'm doing nada

TONY

what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

GEORGE

huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches

TONY

c'mon Kramer what do you say?

GEORGE

huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there

KRAMER

I am down

TONY

yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer

you down to it George? what's wrong?

GEORGE

I am down!

(Jerry's)

ELAINE

rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock

climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs)

GEORGE

alright alright

JERRY

yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick

now?

GEORGE

yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy

JERRY

cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?

GEORGE

he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You

know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of

anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER

hey

EVERYBODY

hey

GEORGE

hey nice move today

KRAMER

what?

GEORGE

horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony

KRAMER: he asked me

GEORGE

you put him on the spot

KRAMER

you know I think you're in love with him

GEORGE

what?.. that's ridiculous!

KRAMER

no no no, I don't think so. You love him

GEORGE

you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting

any sandwiches either

(phone rings, Kramer answers)

JERRY

you're making sandwiches?

KRAMER

hello

GEORGE

well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there

KRAMER

who?

GEORGE

Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?

ELAINE

hates it

GEORGE

good thing I asked

JERRY (to Kramer): who is it?

KRAMER

well she says Jane

JERRY

yeah, so?

KRAMER

well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty

JERRY

did you say flinty?

KRAMER

yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty

(on the rocks)

(Kramer and George are hanging on a rock)

KRAMER

(singing)

yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!

hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)

ECHO

hello

KRAMER

hey George, hear that?

(George is terrified)

GEORGE

please please please, stop moving

that's all I'm asking..

Kramer!!

(George grabs Kramer's leg)

KRAMER

let go, hey grab the rock

GEORGE

what rock?

KRAMER

the rock

GEORGE

uh oh..

KRAMER

you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

GEORGE

(sobbing)

yodel lay hee hoo..

KRAMER

(chanting)

yodel lay hee hoo

GEORGE

(sobbing)

yodel lay hee hoo..

TONY

(voice from below)

George! Kramer!

KRAMER

yeah!

TONY

take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up

to where you are

KRAMER

alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)

GEORGE

yeah

TONY

hey George, you got anything to eat dude?

GEORGE

(taking it out of his jacket pocket)

yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know

you don't like peanut butter

(the ropes slides down)

KRAMER

what?

TONY

dude aah.......

(George and Kramer look at each other)

GEORGE AND KRAMER

ahh.....!!

(Jerry's)

(Jerry and Jane are eating)

JERRY

..can I have your napkin?

JANE

what?

JERRY

you napkin I'm dripping

JANE

well where is your napkin?

JERRY

I used it up

JANE

well I need mine

(looks at her watch)

oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work

JERRY

you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours

JANE

I told you already it's very boring

you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum

JERRY

you're fine (goes to the bathroom)

(buzzer rings)

JANE

oh how does this thing work?

JERRY

just press it

ELAINE

it's Elaine

JANE

oh come on up

JERRY

(coming out from the bathroom)

who was it?

JANE

it's Elaine

JERRY

oh..huh.. is she coming up?

JANE

yeah

JERRY

huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.

JANE

ok

JERRY

Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah

(Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)

JANE

hmm

JERRY

have some more, take a load

JANE

isn't it too much?

JERRY

trust me.. nah it's good

JANE

smell?

JERRY

yeah stinks, terrible

(Elaine enters)

JERRY

hi Elaine

ELAINE

hi

JERRY

this is Jane Elaine

ELAINE

hi, nice to meet you finally

JANE

it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night

ELAINE

yeah me too

JANE

ok so I'll see you Saturday night

JERRY

Saturday night (she leaves)

(Jerry shuts the door)

ELAINE

what is with the gum?

JERRY

I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's

ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday

night

ELAINE

because of the gum

JERRY

well it's too much, it's embarrassing

ELAINE

why does she have to chew so many?

JERRY

she's one of those person, always have to be different

(on the other side of the door)

(whispering)

GEORGE

she's there, I can hear her

KRAMER

alright, who's gonna tell her

GEORGE

huh you tell her

KRAMER

it was your fault

GEORGE

if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen

(back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who

was invited", Jerry opens the door)

JERRY

well

ELAINE

hey

GEORGE AND KRAMER

hey

GEORGE

what are you doing here?

ELAINE

did you have fun

GEORGE AND KRAMER

yeah

KRAMER

for a little while

ELAINE

where's Tony?

GEORGE

oh..

KRAMER

huh..

GEORGE

Kramer was supposed to tie a knot

KRAMER

whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot

ELAINE

did something happened?

GEORGE

Tony.. took a bit of a tumble

ELAINE

his face, did something happen to his face?

KRAMER

well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen

GEORGE

he..he's alive

KRAMER

yeah

ELAINE

what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face

GEORGE

you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..

KRAMER

rock

GEORGE

yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly

KRAMER

some big rock

GEORGE

we rode along all the way to the hospital

KRAMER

yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall

(Elaine rushes out)

JERRY

well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?

(Tony's)

ELAINE

so huh, what did the doctors say?

TONY

the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)

ELAINE

but what else did they say

TONY

well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean

ELAINE

yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross

deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that

TONY

I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I

was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool

ELAINE

huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u

recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?

TONY

I don't know, I don't know

ELAINE

think Tony, think

TONY

I'm drawing a blank, babe

(knock on door)

(Elaine gets it, it's George)

ELAINE

this isn't a very good time George

GEORGE

I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)

TONY

step off George, I don't wanna see you

GEORGE

me? "step off"

ELAINE

yeah, Tony says you better step off George

GEORGE

but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such

delicious sandwiches Elaine

TONY

just beat it dude!

GEORGE

here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony)

please, next time it will only be the 2 of us

TONY

there won't be any next time George

GEORGE

oh Tony don't

ELAINE

ok step off George, can u just step off?

GEORGE

I I just.. but..

ELAINE

Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back)

George wait wait

GEORGE

yes?

ELAINE

can you throw this trash out (closes the door)

(Jerry's)

(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)

JERRY

I've been waiting a while for this.

You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get

together on Saturday night

JANE

that is too bad, what a shame

JERRY

yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!

JANE

well maybe he's feeling better

JERRY

yeah without a doubt, I'm down

(Kramer enters)

JERRY

oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer

KRAMER

hey

JANE

hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)

KRAMER

well hello Jane

JANE

Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately

KRAMER

(very quickly)

oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the

phone, alright I'll see you later buddy

JERRY

wait, where are you going? where are you going?

KRAMER

uptown, to the ?

JANE

oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?

KRAMER

what about the driver?

JANE

what are you talking about?

JERRY

alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now

JANE

well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you

JERRY

what's with you?

KRAMER

that's her

JERRY

who?

KRAMER

Erika, she's Erika

JERRY

oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman

KRAMER

Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her

JERRY

oh you're crazy

KRAMER

am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

JERRY

it's impossible

KRAMER

is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?

JERRY

it can't be

KRAMER

can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

JERRY

alright that's enough

KRAMER

yeaaaaah!

(Monk's)

ELAINE

he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?

JERRY

what?

ELAINE

you know (acts like a monster)

JERRY

oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead

ELAINE

yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating,

it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway

JERRY

oh I though you didn't care about his looks

ELAINE

I lied

JERRY

aha

ELAINE

are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even

if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some

final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is.

You know Jerry

JERRY

oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?

ELAINE

yeah, yeah

JERRY

hey Kramer

KRAMER

what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set

JERRY

what's all set?

KRAMER

Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth

JERRY

how's you get her to meet here?

KRAMER

I don't know, we have a certain chemistry

(Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling)

JERRY

oh my god

JANE

hi I thought I'd find you here

JERRY

hello.. Erika

JANE

Erika? what are you talking about?

JERRY

how can u say things like that over the phone?

JANE

what are you talking about?

JERRY

selling sexual pleasure over the phone?

JANE

I sell paper goods you jerk

JERRY

paper goods?

ELAINE

excuse me, do you have a tissue?

JANE

I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare

(Elaine realizes)

JANE

where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)

ELAINE

I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane)

(the bathroom)

JANE

oh damn

ELAINE

something.. wrong?

JANE

yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind?

ELAINE

I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a

square

JANE

wait a minute, I know you

ELAINE

that's right honey, and I know you!

(Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper)

JANE

no, no, no!!!

(she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards Jerry and

gives him the rolls)

ELAINE: here, take it

JANE

(walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry)

don't call me anymore

(Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands)

(Jane walks by Kramer and turns back)

JANE

(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice)

you either

(sticks her tongue out :9)

(Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open)

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